Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Sunday, August 16, 2009

What was I THINKING??!! good intention my balls!

I'm very sorry. Hope its not too late.

Comments anyone?

I've changed definitely. In a way, I m asking myself, it is a good change? or is the other way? Another part of me, thinking that I should be confident with myself, there's nothing to ask opinion from other people. It's always your decision in the end. I've done something, which I felt I should but and bad at the same time. I started to actually throw opinion on people, however its only to certain people which i think worth throwing my advice and comments. Well, am I eligible of doing it? Does my word make sense?
Sometimes people comment on the things I said, debating, I always run out of words to get my points up to the top. There's many factors which lead me to said such things, but I can't find a solid reasons out. I've done what I've done, yes, I'm regretful, but I think I will be more regretful if I just keep all those to myself. Hoping with my good intentions, it will change the interpretation of my message. I'm worried, worried of so many things. Worried most of something that I do not want to lose. Response was bad.

The higher you fly, the harder you drop. My aim was high, when I fall, I fall bad. I always wanted to know how people thinks about me. Don't tell me the good, I want to know my bad...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Still waiting.

Had been spending 2 days in A1, became one of my private office already, it's a really comfortable workstation. With its free air-conditioner, large table space, material stock just down stairs(Vision Art), well cant find any better place than this.

I think most of you here reading my previous posts, knows that I'm not doing so well recently. [sigh] Things are still the same for the day. After my late dinner with weijia, mel, and wailun, came back home and got another kick from my landlord. Apparently, my neighbouring room housemate broke the sink in the toilet. Uncle accused that the floor was too slippery, and again accused I didn't clean the floor together with my housemate, causing algaes to grow. No choice, had to listen to his lectures, even it's not me who broke the blardy sink. [Not blaming my housemate, I actually worried whether is he okay, cause its really dangerous.] However, you know what's the next thing the uncle said, "No choice lorr, I've to fix the sink tomorrow, and charge our friend here." [=.="]

Instead of being more sincere making sure my housemate is alright, he just worrying about the money. [Sigh] Felt bad for my housemate, and I offered if we can share the cost. [Hmm, guess he would be too embaress to actually share the cost with me] The thing is.... you know why I wanted to shift.

Things are still on the down side. Hoping to meet the rising part soon, however, after sharing my problems with my friends, I actually felt much better. Thanks weijia, wailun and mel for that. At least I m not feeling that bad, cause telling things out allows me to rearrange the things in my mind, and solve the issue clearly. I was pretty shocked that someone who spend so less of his time with me, willing to spend the time and come out with me. Nice person to share problems with, at least showing that he cares. Some people just appear invisible when you need them.

Maybe I m jumping too fast to a conclusion for a judgement. However, this is the time I need friends with me the most to keep me companied and help me through. Thanks again and appreciate the night. :-)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

It's All Wrong!

Things had been pretty rough for me recently, especially this week. Not making the right decision at the right time really cause me a lot, not only financial and physical wise, but also what I've put first in my life. Guess that there will always be up and downs. Things went pretty well for the last month and even the last last month. Well, I have reached the down part.

I was very thankful and grateful for having some of my friends that read my blog to leave some supporting comments to keep me moving. I was really off track, my performance at work were really effected badly. However, thanks again. All those words are really useful for me now.

Should I or should I not? This is the most frequent question that I have been dealing this week. However, I got it all wrong at all time. Should I take this decision? What are the outcomes? How hard will it impact me? Am I able to handle it? Some people say it's all due to my previous workload that made me stressed and tired now, which it now lead to an emotional unstable state. It might be true some part, but I do not know what are exactly the real cause. But there's things that bothered me.

I shouldn't have let it out. I wanted to but I shouldn't. It's definitely not the right decision. Hate and Love are both very contradictory feeling. When these two things come together, it's like a war zone in your head. Hate and love somebody at the same time is the last thing you want to have. I am not even sure where do I stand. Having heartache knowing the story ends here.

I will be required to make another decision now. Should I or should I not? Another wrong decision will cause me a lot more. [It's regarding my house rental, just to avoid any misinterpretation].

I'm sick again, hope its not H1N1 and get the people around me infected by me. [If things were a little smoother...]
*I'm not complaining about my life. I knew there were people facing far more worst situation than me, but this is the only place I could be soft on myself.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Blardy bastard retarded landlord

Just as I was done with my previous post, went out and came back after a short meal. Another storm just broke into my room.

I just returned into my room for about 5minutes, Mel was here with me. He bought some ice for the air-cooler. Since the ice was all sticking together, he just sort of knock it on the carpet 3 times continuously. Not even really knock, its just dropping it from the knee height on a carpet. Imagine what are the consequences.

I was in the toilet, wetting a piece of cloth, so that I could wipe my table. Suddenly, someone knocked my door. Apparently, is the fucking asshole blardy retarded bastard landlord. He came and accused me that I made a lot of noise. And I asked what noise did u hear? He said its from my room. Asking me what am I doing. I said I am wiping my table.
U know what he added? He said he confirm its from my room, he said he even stand outside my room for a while, and went down to the living room to listen what sound was that. What the heck? you feel the bullshit he is talking about? just 3 knocks he manage to leave his room while he was playing his play station[what kind of old man is this?!] then ran over to the living room and ran back up and listened silently in front of my door room. [wow...]
Seriously, I was really careful with my volume. I didnt even turned on the music. Wiping the table does not cause any noise.
He came in and started to lecture, and said this "you look at your fucking face in the mirror... eyes all dark and pucat, trust me larr albert...sleep." Fuck him man, if I had the time to sleep, who wouldn't? And the thing is I'm not wasting my time for uneccesary entertainment. I'm rushing my work for most of the time. And the way he said was really disrespecting, and kept asking me to listen to him.

I respected him at first, he kept asking me to listen to his advice and be like him. Well, I didnt mind much at first. But now, he totally ruin his own reputation. I try my best to tolerate, thinking that I should respect him. Controlling whatever that I m doing, even my parents dont do that. Even cooking a pack of maggi is so much of a trouble. Usually how do you guys cook maggi? I thought boiling water in a pot first, once its boilt, throw in the noodles and the flavouring. That's all right? Well, he is much of a trouble. "No no no...don't waste the gas." boil the water in the electric water boiler first, once the water boilt, pour into the pot...bla bla bla...
what the heck? electric free? [later on I just realize maybe he dont have to pay for the electric since he is collecting such a high rental from us. while gas he is paying himself. fuck]

What made me so upset is he used suck language to talk to me. I'm really considering to shift, really need to pass the message to people not to stay at this house. Blardy bastard. one word i call, RETARDED.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Things are turning down

Just when I thought things are fine and peace, [sigh] ....

It always don't last long...

It had been awhile since my last posting, loads of assignments and projects are heavy pressuring my body and mind. However, this is not the problem. I enjoyed doing my work.

I find it hard to trust people, probably due to the previous scar which is still clearly carved in my heart. Some say, "A scar in the mind, might be easy to forget, but a scar in the heart stays forever." Well, that scar is in my heart.
Thought that I learned my lesson and knew to handle these things better here in my new environment. Yet, another failure. Apart from not being able to hold firm to my policies and goals, I tend to still be my old self. Nothing much change, other than my new hair cut, and even just the hair cut, I don't feel comfortable with it.
There's many things that I wanted to share, just made me realize I'm all by myself. I'm not seeking for sympathy and I'm not sad or disappointed for not having anyone. I still have my family, just that I'm staying a distance away from them now.

There's many things in my mind, find it really hard to get it out. Furthermore, knowing my blog will be read by some of my friends around me, I had to find ways to spill my feelings. Truthfully, right now, I'm feeling disappointment, cheap, and upset. You might find it hard to believe when I said I feel alone, cause there's always people looking for me. Well, people find me when they need, I'm nothing afterthat. I'm quite fed up with this, but I just cant stand seeing people having hardtime and I'm not doing anything. [sigh]

Damn it, I have been saying these for so many times.

The main point is, there's another matter starting to leave a mark, still unsure whether it will be in the heart or mind, but I'm definitely feeling the pain in my heart now.