Friday, April 10, 2009

Frustation and Dissapointment

Been having bad days since the last few weeks, things just didn't goes the way I wanted it to be[Obviously things don't always goes as planned]. I am unsure of my own emotion stability and physical stability, easily effected by the environment, and became extra sensitive. I'm feeling mad and at the same time feeling helpless while writing this post. Considering the whole night to the root of my problems, which I think its most probably my decision to change course[or somehow my mom's encouragement to change course.]
At first, I was happy I finally being able to switch to the course that I'm really into it. Somehow, recently, I heard bad comments and reviews of some one close to me, asking what am I doing now at home. [Seriously, I'm not even sure.] For the time being, I'm just taking this opportunity to have a long relaxing holiday, since I never tried to have such long holiday before after my primary school years. Even after SPM, went for a one week leadership motivation camp, then one or two weeks later, National Service. Then, came out early from NS, just to enter MMU.
Well, it seems like people are starting to somehow question me about how do I spend these time. Definitely I don't like people questioning what I do[I'm pretty sure no one likes it]. I know I am not doing things which are illegal and wrong. The thing that hurt me the most is, knowing someone I respect and love, critised me for all the series of events happened. Firstly, I failed my paper. Next, planning to change to other college, taking the same major. Then, after second consideration, thought it would wiser to change course. All these made me look stupid, aren't I?
Of course, my dad don't like it. I thought I'd still be able to handle it, since I've my mom's support. But then, now, my grandparents started not to like me being at home doing nothing, as I was just thinking I could spend some of time with them during this break.
Only now, I started to realize the hardship of students taking up arts[maybe not all]. I think most of you, which obtained a above average result always get disagreement when you wanted to persue your studies on arts. And even if you decided, later on people will still question you on why you made such decision, and end with "such a waste...". Sometimes what people see is really just the surface, making assumptions without paying more attention on listening. I really people just don't make assumption without understanding the whole situation[not to blame anyone, even myself did this sometimes, learning as well]. Even if we've decided, we just wish that there is someone to support what we do, and agree on what we do. It always made us feel more confident and strong, instead of crtisim and discouragement.

I'm expecting my family to understand me more, and not just a teenager that would start to wonder off into my own marryland without the parents watchful eye. I think I'm mateur enough to do my own thinking and decide things for myself. Words of guidance and opinions are fully welcome, but please, deliver those words in a right way. I'm always more than willingly to accept. When someone approach you with harsh dissagreement, we will automatically tend to defend ourself and act in-denial. But somehow, afterthat, when we are cooler down, thinking more rationally, we will think back of our actions.
*I know you are facing hardtimes and moments when you're all by your own. I'm trying my best to be as supportive as possible. Sometimes rejecting people is not as easy as it seems, many things to consider. Friends are essential too, please have a closer look at the friends I go out with. I just wanted them to experience the things I feel happy as I know others won't do that. All the things I do are for a reasons. I had fun definitely, but not just because I wanted to have fun.
This trip is something more that I would want to be part of it. Although money and time are very limited, this is something I wanted to do. Yes, it might be a wrong timing. I can't get the right timing all the time. I'd been considering for quite some time about it. And I hate to be in this position. I'm trying my best to think at your shoes.
I hope we get a clearer understanding. This is my last longest holiday, staying at home doesn't mean doing nothing. [I really feel much more appreciated back at home, when I'm not at home for a long time.] It's quite true, we don't appreciate the things that you've too much of it.
My home is cold before this, and its getting colder. Lost my home, lost my place to hold myself.

1 comment:

sue ern said...

dun worry
people who loves u
ll finally understand
it jus need some time for them to accept and change
they and we are in comfort zone for long
so get urself some space and giv them some time

remember there will alw b a sun shine after each rainny days..
i can feel what u r going through now as i am one that goin through the similar path as u did
a long break is something i wish i can have
u ll b great
trust urself

alw support u
gambate ^^